365 v.34 (031-045)
I’m a lagging a little with blog posts on my site here, but it’s because I hate being all over the internet at a constant pace. I still want to enjoy this process, after all. I’ve also been working on my writing and that’s its own energy dimension.
Life gets in the way and that’s okay. I’ll post whenever I post.
031/365
Having “stuff” has always been a loaded thing for me. I have struggled with anxiety after unsafe and uncertain housing experiences in my life, but that “where-will-I-be-minute-to-minute” survivalism also helped me build a healthy detachment to things. Valuable collectibles? Those things paid my bills in tight spots as a teenager. Emotional souvenir? Well, just how emotional? Is there a layer of dust? If there is, I could probably do without. I certainly have some keepsakes that are going to follow me into each stage of my life, but I have never needed them. I just like them and I appreciate them. When they have to go, they go.
032/365
The Kirby themed guest bed in Rachel and Vinny’s house. I adore this space.
033/365
These crazies get married soon. I love them so much. There is something really rare and special about people you can just spend a weekend coexisting with, laughing to the point of tears, sharing good food. Life has quieted down a lot in the midst of global events, but I look forward to going on nerdy adventures again, too.
034/365
Did something special today. Hiro is unimpressed.
035/365
Sometimes when I look at my dog I try to memorize each pattern in his fur, every little shadowy thread of his coat, each aging shift into greys and whites. I stare at his little eyes and try to commit that rich, oaky shade of brown to a place of permanence. I trace the outlines of his ears and when I hug him, I breathe into and against him. I know it isn’t promised to me, to remember each little detail of Hiro, but I try all the same. My gratitude for cameras and technology is in abundance when it comes to this little creature I get to call my companion.
036/365
I was diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood. When my testing was done and we began the first steps of therapy and management, it was like a veil had lifted from a lot of hidden, private misery. There is a lot of trauma there for my formative and my academic experiences, so I won’t delve too deep. I pay someone for that. But I will say: the words “waste of potential” on the heels of praise was one of the most hurtful things the adults around me would say, leaving scars in their wake. It’s something I’m always navigating, even well into my 30s. When I began Japanese classes, another thousand light bulbs switched on for me. One-on-one focus, stimulation, and the ability to take my time. I enjoy it so much. I could go on and on, but I know I’ll come back to gushing about my classes. One of my favorite assignments is repetition with kanji worksheets. Having cute homework is always nice, but in a really beautiful way, it helps my younger self reclaim the fun and joy in learning that she missed so much.
037/365
It’s been a rainy week with a lot of nerve pain, so this guy gets a lot of extra photo attention. I love his smiles.
038/365
When I say I hate fireworks, this is why. On this day, Hiro curled up in the smallest place he could feel safe underneath my desk. I feel so bad because soothing him through these events is hard. Some days he wants to be held, others not so much. I just tell him he’s a good boy and watch his cues. This time he wanted to rest his head on my foot and be still.
039/365
A blurry evening. Here’s my dad. Guest appearance by Böris.
040/365
The rain this summer has been great for one thing: the lush, emerald kingdom surrounding my home. It’s been terrible for just about everything else I love dearly about summer. Spikes of heat between gloomy grey days… almost like this planet has a fever, huh?
041/365
I’ve been derailed by the nerve pain I’ve had this summer. It’s reshaped and reframed how I’ve spent my days. I’ve been gaming a lot with my friends, though, and it’s kept my frayed mind in one piece. Gaming has always been an accessible hobby for me with chronic illness and this summer I’ve leaned into it harder than I have in years. I’m really grateful for the voice chat nights laughing with my friends. I’ve been depressed about this setback, but this kind of digital adventuring has been a tremendous relief for me. (Sephiroth approved.)
042/365
Sometimes, before therapy, I make a list like this. I have been going on and off for eight years now. It’s been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself, but it needed to happen at the perfect moment in my life to happen at all. When I was young I knew someone who was constantly using “you need therapy” as a threat or an insult; I recognize now her constant disparaging toward other people about their mental health was often coming from a place of resentment and hurt. The culture and environment around it all was so confusing and stigmatized and her familial dysfunction just looked different. There is nothing wrong with needing therapy. There is nothing wrong with making a list for it. I do need therapy right now and it’s a privilege I can access it.
043/365
Blue moon.
044/365
Late night with friends.
045/365
It’s probably a fire hazard, how many things like this that I save.